Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five

Posted on October 11, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

More with the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera! 🙂

If you missed part two, head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five!

Today, we start with breakfast and a site visit at the lovely Fairmont Mayakoba…

Breakfast includes strawberry watermelon juice, Mexican hot chocolate and caramel bread pudding. Kids, sugar is bad…m’kay?
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This place is awfully pretty.

And, it reminds me that I need to hire some rowboat dudes to clean my moat!

Ahhh…this scene would be so much more complete with a frosty beverage and a cabana boy…

Everyone needs a dock next to their pool…for boat launches and stuff.

Ummm…this suite is two stories AND it has a hot tub on the roof with a view of the ocean. Who would possibly want that??

Awww…this suite only has a private pool ON THE BEACH. Such suffering!

This handsome hunk asked me out. I told him I’d think about it since he looked a little handsy.

Learnin’ me some important Spanish on this trip…”Mi gato es un puta barata.” Baahaahaa!

* New edit: thanks to one of my awesome readers bringing an oversight to my attention, this post has now been tagged with the words “puta barata”. Because we’re classy like that.

After a brief rest back at Banyan Tree, we’re off to a secret dinner location!

Ooohhh…this trail looks promising and super friggin’ beautiful!

A Mayan priest and an altar for blessing us before we enter a cave…this is getting interesting!

Heading down candlelit steps…

Ummm…whaaat??

Holy underground, Batman! Welcome to the amazingly stunning Rio Secreto!

Look! They provided me with dates!

Their names were Bob and Stan, I’m pretty sure.

Yes…of course this happened.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME?? This was our dinner location. The ridiculously awesome Tropical Incentives DMC hauled everything down there for us. Full bar, buffet dinner, flippin’ ginormous candelabras, colored lights everywhere, a band and a fricken’ Mexican Michael Buble to serenade us. It was beyond unbelievable!

After that once-in-a-lifetime dinner, I need to rest…

…right after I drink all of these tequilas they left in my room.

I hope you’re still enjoying the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera journey…stay tuned for part four of five!

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five

Posted on October 4, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

How about some more super cool Cancun and Mayan Riviera action with our wonderful hosts, Tropical Incentives DMC (Destination Management Company)?

If you missed part one, head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five!

First on the agenda…breakfast and a site tour of our wonderful host property, Banyan Tree Mayakoba!

I will destroy it all with my face.

Our waiter just asked if my hot chocolate was warm enough…would I like him to heat it up? No, but will you come home to live with me and ask me that daily, please?

‘Grandma’s Hot Chocolate’ is the bombski, BTW.

Get here immediately and drink at least a gallon.

This boardroom has an entire wall filled with wine. How does any work ever get done in here, people??

Even the corridors to the meeting space are all striking and majestic, dammit.

Couples massage room – check. All massages begin with a 20 minute Thai foot washing ritual. I tried it. It was friggin’ outstanding.

They’re taking us down to check out the Beach Club. In a boat. Dang.

This is my new iguana boyfriend. I call him Eduardo. He likes to hang out on rocks and act like a bad ass.

In case you were wondering…cruising lagoons through mangrove trees in a beautiful boat while your captain gives you a guided tour…it does not suck.

Time to check out some killer suites that sit on the beach. I suppose this private pool will have to do.

I found out after I tried to climb in and pop the champagne that this was only for display. Our salesperson/guide did not appreciate by particular appreciation of their fancy-pants romantical setup.

I decided that, at the very least, I deserved one of those chocolate covered strawberries for the mental trauma they inflicted on me by not flying Ryan Reynolds in to “appreciate” it with me.

Now, over to Barcelo Costa Cancun for a fun team building activity and lunch!

That ocean was warm and delightful. And, a whole dollar came floating up to me while I was splashing around out there. Hot diggity doo!

Say hello to my new girlfriend, Zelda. She’s stacked.

So, we did a goofy team building activity that culminated in us being surprised by a group of homeless children who attend a wonderful school near here. We gave them buckets of toys and they were unbelievably adorable and so sweet. The little girl I handed my toys to was at the back and she was being overlooked. She handed me this candy with an attached note card she made herself. Anyone who has EVER gotten a note or card from me knows that this exact happy face follows my name when I sign things. I thought that coincidence was kind of amazing. And, it made me blubber like an idiot.

Back to the resort for a little rest before another action-packed day…

Man! The walk-in closet in my room is stocked with all the essentials! Bug spray…candle…matches…and a discrete, yet adorable, bag containing one ladybidness pad and a condom. If I’d also found emergency cake in there, I would have married that damn closet.

I hope you’re still enjoying the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera journey…please head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five!

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five

Posted on September 27, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

Ok, kiddies…it’s time for our next trip!

This FAM (familiarization trip) is to the fabulous Cancun and Riviera Maya in Mexico. I was hosted by the wonderful Tropical Incentives DMC (Destination Management Company). WE SAW SO MUCH STUFF, Y’ALL. And, they took such good care of us!

Let’s start with where I went on the planet…

Cancun is located kinda sorta at the southern end of Mexico…practically South America, I tell you!

I know, I know…my geographic location descriptions are pretty much GPS coordinates.

After flying into Cancun International Airport (CUN), I was taken to the Playa del Carmen area, which is on the Riviera Maya (sounds super fancy, doesn’t it?).

I stopped at the Royal Hideaway Playacar before the FAM started for a quick site and overnight stay.

First, dinner with my salesperson host…

Scallops with a mole and pear sauce. Yes…I took the picture because the pear sauce looks like a banana missing its hammock. 🙂

Room check…friggin’ awesome. Royal Hideaway is scoring some major points.

Holy crap. They ran me a friggin’ bath that was waiting for me when I got back to my room. This place is ridiculous. I don’t even like baths, but I’m gettin’ in, dammit.

Oh, and to the person who thought it would be a good idea to equip your guest rooms with full bowls of Ferrero Rocher candy ball thingys…”Give ’em a crap ton…they’ll never eat all of them!” You clearly do not know what I am capable of, you silly human. Challenge accepted!

Lunch time before I leave the resort. Eyes peeled for Sigmund the Sea Monster.

Lunch highlights:

Decided against the octopus burrito for lunch. This time, anyway.

Mexican covers of American songs are fascinating. So far, I’ve experienced ‘Some Like It Hot’ and ‘Don’t Speak’. Fingers crossed for ‘Baby Got Back’ next!

This man’s moobs are disturbing my view of the beach. Someone bring him a support bra, stat!

Royal Hideaway Playacar tended to me wonderfully…they’re nifty!

Now, the official Tropical Incentives DMC FAM begins!

Time to head to the Mayakoba area (just a short drive back the way we came from the airport). Mayakoba is a local word for fancy-pantsy-awesome, I’m pretty sure.

My home for the next three nights…Banyan Tree Mayakoba. Holy guacamole, Batman…prepare yourself for ridiculousness cubed.

My super sweet flowery check-in bracelet amenity thingy. 🙂

Ok. Now, drink this green stuff.
(for the record, it was quite good)

This is Banyan Tree (I called him BT for short). Of Banyan Tree Mayakoba fame.

This my door. No entrado unless you use the phone in the box on the left. There’s a panel light on the left that I can light up that says “PRIVACY, DAMMIT”. Ok, it might not say dammit…