Randoms

Posted on October 18, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

It’s been a long week managing a corporate program (darn work messing up my blog posting time!), so we’ll be back to travel next week.

Until then, a few things that caught my attention…

I like this bag company’s style.

I think every restaurant should ask this question.

Here’s hoping he’s a foot doctor, because otherwise…ewww.

Wanna bet?

Wallpaper in my hotel room – tree…or ladybidness? You decide.

Yep…this post has been tagged with the words “douchebag”, “wiener”, “toe dude” and “ladybidness”. The pride…it’s overwhelming!

Have an excellent weekend, y’all! 🙂

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five

Posted on October 11, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

More with the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera! 🙂

If you missed part two, head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five!

Today, we start with breakfast and a site visit at the lovely Fairmont Mayakoba…

Breakfast includes strawberry watermelon juice, Mexican hot chocolate and caramel bread pudding. Kids, sugar is bad…m’kay?
.

This place is awfully pretty.

And, it reminds me that I need to hire some rowboat dudes to clean my moat!

Ahhh…this scene would be so much more complete with a frosty beverage and a cabana boy…

Everyone needs a dock next to their pool…for boat launches and stuff.

Ummm…this suite is two stories AND it has a hot tub on the roof with a view of the ocean. Who would possibly want that??

Awww…this suite only has a private pool ON THE BEACH. Such suffering!

This handsome hunk asked me out. I told him I’d think about it since he looked a little handsy.

Learnin’ me some important Spanish on this trip…”Mi gato es un puta barata.” Baahaahaa!

* New edit: thanks to one of my awesome readers bringing an oversight to my attention, this post has now been tagged with the words “puta barata”. Because we’re classy like that.

After a brief rest back at Banyan Tree, we’re off to a secret dinner location!

Ooohhh…this trail looks promising and super friggin’ beautiful!

A Mayan priest and an altar for blessing us before we enter a cave…this is getting interesting!

Heading down candlelit steps…

Ummm…whaaat??

Holy underground, Batman! Welcome to the amazingly stunning Rio Secreto!

Look! They provided me with dates!

Their names were Bob and Stan, I’m pretty sure.

Yes…of course this happened.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME?? This was our dinner location. The ridiculously awesome Tropical Incentives DMC hauled everything down there for us. Full bar, buffet dinner, flippin’ ginormous candelabras, colored lights everywhere, a band and a fricken’ Mexican Michael Buble to serenade us. It was beyond unbelievable!

After that once-in-a-lifetime dinner, I need to rest…

…right after I drink all of these tequilas they left in my room.

I hope you’re still enjoying the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera journey…stay tuned for part four of five!

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five

Posted on October 4, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

How about some more super cool Cancun and Mayan Riviera action with our wonderful hosts, Tropical Incentives DMC (Destination Management Company)?

If you missed part one, head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five!

First on the agenda…breakfast and a site tour of our wonderful host property, Banyan Tree Mayakoba!

I will destroy it all with my face.

Our waiter just asked if my hot chocolate was warm enough…would I like him to heat it up? No, but will you come home to live with me and ask me that daily, please?

‘Grandma’s Hot Chocolate’ is the bombski, BTW.

Get here immediately and drink at least a gallon.

This boardroom has an entire wall filled with wine. How does any work ever get done in here, people??

Even the corridors to the meeting space are all striking and majestic, dammit.

Couples massage room – check. All massages begin with a 20 minute Thai foot washing ritual. I tried it. It was friggin’ outstanding.

They’re taking us down to check out the Beach Club. In a boat. Dang.

This is my new iguana boyfriend. I call him Eduardo. He likes to hang out on rocks and act like a bad ass.

In case you were wondering…cruising lagoons through mangrove trees in a beautiful boat while your captain gives you a guided tour…it does not suck.

Time to check out some killer suites that sit on the beach. I suppose this private pool will have to do.

I found out after I tried to climb in and pop the champagne that this was only for display. Our salesperson/guide did not appreciate by particular appreciation of their fancy-pants romantical setup.

I decided that, at the very least, I deserved one of those chocolate covered strawberries for the mental trauma they inflicted on me by not flying Ryan Reynolds in to “appreciate” it with me.

Now, over to Barcelo Costa Cancun for a fun team building activity and lunch!

That ocean was warm and delightful. And, a whole dollar came floating up to me while I was splashing around out there. Hot diggity doo!

Say hello to my new girlfriend, Zelda. She’s stacked.

So, we did a goofy team building activity that culminated in us being surprised by a group of homeless children who attend a wonderful school near here. We gave them buckets of toys and they were unbelievably adorable and so sweet. The little girl I handed my toys to was at the back and she was being overlooked. She handed me this candy with an attached note card she made herself. Anyone who has EVER gotten a note or card from me knows that this exact happy face follows my name when I sign things. I thought that coincidence was kind of amazing. And, it made me blubber like an idiot.

Back to the resort for a little rest before another action-packed day…

Man! The walk-in closet in my room is stocked with all the essentials! Bug spray…candle…matches…and a discrete, yet adorable, bag containing one ladybidness pad and a condom. If I’d also found emergency cake in there, I would have married that damn closet.

I hope you’re still enjoying the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera journey…please head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five!

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five

Posted on September 27, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

Ok, kiddies…it’s time for our next trip!

This FAM (familiarization trip) is to the fabulous Cancun and Riviera Maya in Mexico. I was hosted by the wonderful Tropical Incentives DMC (Destination Management Company). WE SAW SO MUCH STUFF, Y’ALL. And, they took such good care of us!

Let’s start with where I went on the planet…

Cancun is located kinda sorta at the southern end of Mexico…practically South America, I tell you!

I know, I know…my geographic location descriptions are pretty much GPS coordinates.

After flying into Cancun International Airport (CUN), I was taken to the Playa del Carmen area, which is on the Riviera Maya (sounds super fancy, doesn’t it?).

I stopped at the Royal Hideaway Playacar before the FAM started for a quick site and overnight stay.

First, dinner with my salesperson host…

Scallops with a mole and pear sauce. Yes…I took the picture because the pear sauce looks like a banana missing its hammock. 🙂

Room check…friggin’ awesome. Royal Hideaway is scoring some major points.

Holy crap. They ran me a friggin’ bath that was waiting for me when I got back to my room. This place is ridiculous. I don’t even like baths, but I’m gettin’ in, dammit.

Oh, and to the person who thought it would be a good idea to equip your guest rooms with full bowls of Ferrero Rocher candy ball thingys…”Give ’em a crap ton…they’ll never eat all of them!” You clearly do not know what I am capable of, you silly human. Challenge accepted!

Lunch time before I leave the resort. Eyes peeled for Sigmund the Sea Monster.

Lunch highlights:

Decided against the octopus burrito for lunch. This time, anyway.

Mexican covers of American songs are fascinating. So far, I’ve experienced ‘Some Like It Hot’ and ‘Don’t Speak’. Fingers crossed for ‘Baby Got Back’ next!

This man’s moobs are disturbing my view of the beach. Someone bring him a support bra, stat!

Royal Hideaway Playacar tended to me wonderfully…they’re nifty!

Now, the official Tropical Incentives DMC FAM begins!

Time to head to the Mayakoba area (just a short drive back the way we came from the airport). Mayakoba is a local word for fancy-pantsy-awesome, I’m pretty sure.

My home for the next three nights…Banyan Tree Mayakoba. Holy guacamole, Batman…prepare yourself for ridiculousness cubed.

My super sweet flowery check-in bracelet amenity thingy. 🙂

Ok. Now, drink this green stuff.
(for the record, it was quite good)

This is Banyan Tree (I called him BT for short). Of Banyan Tree Mayakoba fame.

This my door. No entrado unless you use the phone in the box on the left. There’s a panel light on the left that I can light up that says “PRIVACY, DAMMIT”. Ok, it might not say dammit…

This my courtyard. And my friggin’ private pool. For all that private pooling I need to do. WHAAAT?

This is the lagoon that sits behind my estate…I mean, “room”.

This my room. Me likey. And, I’ll be hammocking the crap out of that hammock later.

This is my epic bathroom. Everyone has one that looks like this, right?

Oh, this? A private outdoor flippin’ bathtub. With a wall of candles and whatnot. Like a boss. Where is Ryan Reynolds when I need him??

My headboard could totally kick your headboard’s ass.

Staying in this room is going to be such a hardship.

Now, off to dinner and awesomeness at the Now Sapphire Riviera Cancun!

The evening’s festivities begin with booze. Nice call, Now Sapphire.

FIRE! FIRE!

Not enough? Here’s more fire!

Dinner schminner. Non-dessert is for chumps.

I will DESTROY your fancy dessert display with my face, Now Sapphire. Fear me!

Back to Banyan Tree to sleep off my sugar coma…

Burnin’ some incense all up in this mo fo before bed.

(it smelled gooood, y’all)

I hope you’re enjoying the Riviera Maya journey so far…please head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five!

A Brief Pause

Posted on September 12, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

Apologies for being absent this week (and next week)…my family lost someone very special and I’ll be busy making sure we send him off in the best way possible.

After 96 years on this planet, my grandfather is finally reunited my grandmother…together again. 🙂

Here are a few pictures of one of the most intelligent, well-traveled, kind and wonderful gentlemen that the world had the honor of hosting for a bit…we’ll miss you terribly, Grandpa!

Always debonair…every man should own a tuxedo. 🙂

On one of their MANY trips…the grandparental units roamed the globe!

Always the adept slayer of the fishes. 🙂

Oh, don’t mind the bad-ass 85-year old in his ski gear…no biggie.

It was always an honor to be your date, Grandpa. 🙂

Please give someone you love an extra hug for me and I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Thanks,

Sideline – Day of the Dead Photo Shoot

Posted on September 5, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

Don’t worry…I have a lovely trip for us to go on next. 🙂

Until then, as referenced on my “About” page…this is one of those random photo shoots.

I’m guessing that some context will help make this a little less weird. Not much less weird, but a little, anyway…

About five years ago, I became intrigued with pin up style and started acquiring vintage inspired and vintage reproduction clothing. I felt like finally, I was wearing clothing that made me look non-traditionally pretty and made me stand out (in the good way, not the crazy way). This was HUGE for me…what with me being one of the only women in the world who felt self-conscious about herself. <—– that’s sarcasm, by the way

I found a few companies who made items that I loved and through the Facebook page of one of those companies, I found a community of amazing ladies who were fans just like me. Five years later, I have some of the most wonderful friends and they live all over the planet…all while looking ridiculously gorgeous and stuff.

Soooo…at some point, I decided, “I think I want to do a pin up photo shoot, but not in underwear…is that even allowed? Are there laws about this kind of stuff?”. Turns out, there are not laws against doing pin up photo shoots in something other than underwear or bathing suits…who knew?

Through one of my new friends, I met a photographer named Alica with Scarlett Peacock Photography. She had taken kick-ass pictures of some of the ladies I knew and I requested that she make me look all fancy and crap. She said she would be happy to and I was thrilled!

Alica calls me a few days before our scheduled shoot and says, “Hey, can you do a second shoot the day before? I have an idea for a Day of the Dead pin up style themed shoot and I want to practice on you.”. I thought about it for three whole seconds and said, “Ummm…HELL to the yes!”. I mean, come on, people…how do you say no when someone wants to paint your face like a skull and take pictures of it?? You just can’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s a law against not doing it. And, I am not a law-breaker (as far as you know).

The photo set below is the result of that idea. I hope you enjoy them.

This is actually how I show up to most client meetings.

I am NOT creepy. YOU are.

All I did was look at the wall and the plaster fell off.

See? Still not creepy.

Being a skeleton in a pin up dress is exhausting. I need help standing up.

WHAT did you just say about your bone?

Yep…this post has been tagged with the word “bone”. Because I’m classy, that’s why.

After our photo shoot, we had dinner in the same area. I posted this on Facebook shortly after…

People keep staring at me. Whatsamatta? You’ve never seen a chick with a skull face and a pink party dress eating Chile Colorado before?

My favorite story of the evening…sitting in full skull face makeup at dinner post photo shoot with three strikingly beautiful ladies…a man in his 60’s walks up, looks at all of us and yells, “YOU WANNA GO ON A DATE??”. The sheer volume of his voice made one young lady jump in her chair. We laugh and look puzzled and then he zeroes in on me. He says, “You look really good!”. I say thank you while trying to not giggle with my ridiculous skull face. Then, he busts out with, “I just got here from out-of-town and I’m with my friends…will you come into the bar with me and tell them you’re my girlfriend???”. I say no, thank you and he puts the cherry on top with, “It’ll only take a few minutes…I’LL PAY YOU 20 DOLLARS!” The ladies all look at me, like, ‘Well…it is good money…” I decided that if I went with him, I might not have come back, so bottom line…I missed out on 20 bucks.

Thank you for joining me and stay tuned for the next adventure!

Bora Bora – bonus fire dancing video!

Posted on September 4, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

I just found a video clip from our closing dinner…

FIRE, FIRE! Oh, and butt cheeks. 🙂

I can totally do that, by the way.

Randoms

Posted on August 30, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

A few things that caught my attention…

Stripper art. My new passion.

Get yer hides on over to DFW Airport ASAP to scoop up these gems, people! For only $11.99 each, you can pick up creepy friggin’ talking fruit with human faces…provide the kids with night terrors for years to come!

Drunk octopus wants to fight you, dammit.

(Nope…this one NEVER gets old)

The perfect stocking stuffer for all of the adults on your Christmas list…it’s not just for diarrhea, folks!

Marketing Genius: “I know!! Let’s make the tequila pink AND the bottle can double as a sex toy! You’re welcome, Ladies.”

*expectantly waits for marketing awards to start pouring in*

Yep…this post has been tagged with the words “stripper”, “diarrhea” and “sex toy”. So proud!

Have an excellent Labor Day weekend, y’all! 🙂

Bora Bora – part four of four

Posted on August 26, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

And, now…the final chapter in our wonderous Bora Bora story!

If you missed part three, head on over to Bora Bora – part three of four!

Important side note: the people of the French Polynesian islands are some of the most kind, genuine and grounded individuals that I’ve ever met. Their calm and giving manner is refreshing and soothing. They kinda rule hard style and you need to meet some of them. I insist.

Today, we’re gonna learn some Polynesian crafts…like many ways to to tie the pareos (Tahitian sarongs) they gave us, stuff with coconuts (karate chop!), how to make flower crowns and basket weaving. I’ma ask ’em if we can learn the basket weaving underwater…so, I can feel like I’m back in college with an undeclared major and my dad is giving me a hard time.

Time to learn how to tie a pareo (sarong)!

Now, we learn how to weave a purse. Mine started out well…

Still looking good…

Crap. What in the hell happened?? Abort operation! Abort! Abort!

Oh, thank goodness. Our awesome instructor, Alicia, came over and saved me from imminent disaster. Here’s my sporty new purse! (that I totally didn’t make)

Anyone want to try peeling a coconut? Meee! Meee!

(Let’s just say that I did NOT excel at this task)

Drinkin’ out of a coconut…all Gilligan’s Island style and stuff.

Now, we observe the makin’ of the coconut milk with sheer brute strength…swoon!

These lovely ladies were so patient…now, they’re teaching us how to make flower crowns!

Off to a slightly pitiful start…

I just shoved it in my hair and hoped for the best.

At this point…let’s flash back to my mention in part two about the spa having a Polynesian dude tattoo artist on staff. Guess who decided to get a tattoo, y’all??

My memory of the experience:

Listening to an island cover of Air Supply’s ‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’ while laying on a table getting tattooed by a hot Polynesian dude at a spa with a koi fish lagoon outside the window is beyond nuts. Once again, my life is ridiculous.

Tuhei, my super cute tattoo artist, did an awesome job on my new tiare flower. The fact that he was probably no older than 22 and didn’t speak much English just made him even more adorable.

Now, for our evening plans…

Being picked up by a private boat for a ‘surprise’ farewell reception and dinner off-property…I can’t wait to see what this business is all about.

Holy crap on a stick. This was our fricken’ ride.

Heading off to the surprise location on a killer catamaran…

Our wonderful hostess on the catamaran…she made us cookies and breads and fruity tropical beverages. And fruit. With flowers. I wanted to take her home with me.

Then, she taught us cool stuff about the island. It was awesome!

Rainbow. Because this place isn’t quite delightful enough already.

Our chariot…picking us up from the catamaran for our evening adventure!

THIS is our dinner location. A private bloody island. Dang!

Our ride…he was hilarious and knew how to blow a mean conch shell.

This is a horrible picture, but the gentlemen and ladies were all waiting on the dock for our arrival!

Ahhh…sunset through the trees on the island.

Our chef was so flippin’ funny!

I totally took a picture with the Big Kahuna of Bora Bora.

Time for some traditional Polynesian dancing. There was much grunting and stomping.

Tahitian lady dancers…so pretty!

Now, for the ‘remove your pareo and swing it around’ song. Butts! 🙂

Coconut bra time!

My dinner was ridonkulous.

Fire dancing time!! Eeeeeee!!

Wheeee! Fire!!

More fire and spinning and wheee!!

This one was a crazy formation of legs wrapped around other legs…it scared the crap out of me!

Another terrible picture, but they were so amazing!

Oh, and that black mark on Patrick’s stomach? THAT’S WHERE A TORCH OF FIRE FELL ON HIS BELLY. No big whoop.

My evening summary went a little something like this:

Brace yourself. Transported via private catamaran to a private motu (island), treated to a feast, boogied with Tahitian dancers in coconut bras (them, not us) and witnessed the coolest fire dancing show ever. Flaming batons thrown by hunky Polynesian dudes – check. Our host was Patrick, from two days ago. I paid no mind to his traditional banana hammock thong & tattooed butt cheeks situation, because that’s totally inappropriate and I would never do something like that.

Only one slight ‘issue’ with my trip…

Apparently, Bora Bora bugs dig mostly just me. This is just a portion of the real estate they’ve taken over. The others in my group have maybe 20% of what I’ve got…just lucky, I guess! STILL TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Oh, and bring lots of mosquito repellent!!

We’re supposed to depart Bora Bora today, but I think I’ll opt out. The resort won’t mind if I just live in my hut. Although, the new guests might get annoyed when that weird lady keeps yelling, “Hey, you two! Quit all that humpin’! I’m trying to sleep!”

My last sight before leaving these amazing islands…Patrick, himself, in a French Polynesia tourism ad. He’s such a rock star, it’s just silly.

Goodbye Patrick and Bora Bora!!

So, here’s what I gathered from this once-in-a-lifetime trip: visiting Bora Bora is something everyone absolutely MUST do before they die. It’s an unparalleled experience that cannot be missed. Going there won’t be cheap, but holy guacamole…it’ll be an expedition filled with wonderful people, stunning scenery and outstanding exploration that you will cherish forever!!

And, one more thing: if you do plan on visiting the crazy phenomenal Bora Bora, you definitely won’t go wrong with Air Tahiti Nui, Bora Bora Pearl Beach Resort & Spa, Patrick with Maohi Nui and Christophe with Reef Discovery Bora Bora. They were all stellar!

I do hope you enjoyed our journey to Bora Bora, and if you have any questions, please do comment or message me! I’m happy to blab even more about my mind-blowing trip, if I can be of any help to you.

Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to our next adventure together!

M.
.

Bora Bora – part three of four

Posted on August 20, 2013 by dorktasticadventures

More with the Bora Bora! 🙂

If you missed part two, head on over to Bora Bora – part two of four!

Headed out today on a reef discovery tour with a hunky Frenchman named Christophe Poch (don’t worry, you’ll see him later), of Reef Discovery Bora Bora. I approve of the island’s steady supply of hunky tour guys.

First, a quick stop to take a peek at the World Famous Bloody Mary’s.

I think I could hang out here…

Ok, yes. I could definitely hang out here. With a frosty fruity beverage.

Sweet hairdo, Sir! And, I don’t care what they say, your tongue is not creepy at all.

Famous guests.

(I’m really hoping that Charlie Sheen and Senator John McCain got drunk together one night on Pina Coladas and Chi-Chis)

Moar famous guests!

(I’m surprised that they hadn’t painted my name in by the time we left…sheesh!)

Apologies for the terrible picture, but we fed bread to a crap ton of beautiful fish.

Apologies for another terrible picture, but we fed bread to a crap ton of beautiful fish.

Finally a decent picture of the awesome fish…stolen from one of my colleagues.

Christophe coaxed a moray eel out of his cave for a little snack. Holy crap!

JUST LOOK AT IT.

Now, JUST LOOK AT CHRISTOPHE. He was so unattractive, y’all…I just felt sorry for him. And, the French accent…it was just so not sexy at all.

Not swooning…not…swooning.

All joking (or not joking?) aside…Christophe was an excellent tour guide. We saw so much cool stuff and we learned things too! I can’t remember any of them while staring at this picture, but…

My highly intellectual summary:

Today, with Christophe the hunky Frenchman (tan, charming, hot, had a big motorboat and even knew stuff about fish!) on our Reef Discovery Tour, we saw the most amazing coral reefs, swam for a good ten minutes with a 6′ wide manta ray (he looked like a space ship and had TWO penises), fed about a bazillion brilliant colored fish and hung out with a humongous 6′-7′ moray eel that reminded me of that space worm that eats star fighters in Star Wars. Bad assery all around.

Fruity tropical drink with a side shot of fruity tropical drink. With more flowers!

A rare clear shot of the top of the mountain!

(there’s almost always some cloud cover)

Man. This resort really does NOT suck.

Oh, my wonderful hut…you just get me. I think we should be together forever!

This view NEVER gets old, dammit.

I hope you’re still enjoying the Bora Bora journey…please head on over to Bora Bora – part four of four!

Dorktastic Adventures

My weird and wonderful world of travel

Randoms

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five

Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five

A Brief Pause

Sideline – Day of the Dead Photo Shoot

Bora Bora – bonus fire dancing video!

Randoms

Bora Bora – part four of four

Bora Bora – part three of four