Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part two of five

How about some more super cool Cancun and Mayan Riviera action with our wonderful hosts, Tropical Incentives DMC (Destination Management Company)?

If you missed part one, head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part one of five!

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First on the agenda…breakfast and a site tour of our wonderful host property, Banyan Tree Mayakoba!

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I will destroy it all with my face.

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Our waiter just asked if my hot chocolate was warm enough…would I like him to heat it up? No, but will you come home to live with me and ask me that daily, please?

‘Grandma’s Hot Chocolate’ is the bombski, BTW.

Get here immediately and drink at least a gallon.

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This boardroom has an entire wall filled with wine. How does any work ever get done in here, people??

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Even the corridors to the meeting space are all striking and majestic, dammit.

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Couples massage room – check. All massages begin with a 20 minute Thai foot washing ritual. I tried it. It was friggin’ outstanding.

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They’re taking us down to check out the Beach Club. In a boat. Dang.

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This is my new iguana boyfriend. I call him Eduardo. He likes to hang out on rocks and act like a bad ass.

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In case you were wondering…cruising lagoons through mangrove trees in a beautiful boat while your captain gives you a guided tour…it does not suck.

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Time to check out some killer suites that sit on the beach. I suppose this private pool will have to do.

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I found out after I tried to climb in and pop the champagne that this was only for display. Our salesperson/guide did not appreciate by particular appreciation of their fancy-pants romantical setup.

I decided that, at the very least, I deserved one of those chocolate covered strawberries for the mental trauma they inflicted on me by not flying Ryan Reynolds in to “appreciate” it with me.

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Now, over to Barcelo Costa Cancun for a fun team building activity and lunch!

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That ocean was warm and delightful. And, a whole dollar came floating up to me while I was splashing around out there. Hot diggity doo!

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Say hello to my new girlfriend, Zelda. She’s stacked.

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So, we did a goofy team building activity that culminated in us being surprised by a group of homeless children who attend a wonderful school near here. We gave them buckets of toys and they were unbelievably adorable and so sweet. The little girl I handed my toys to was at the back and she was being overlooked. She handed me this candy with an attached note card she made herself. Anyone who has EVER gotten a note or card from me knows that this exact happy face follows my name when I sign things. I thought that coincidence was kind of amazing. And, it made me blubber like an idiot.

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Back to the resort for a little rest before another action-packed day…

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Man! The walk-in closet in my room is stocked with all the essentials! Bug spray…candle…matches…and a discrete, yet adorable, bag containing one ladybidness pad and a condom. If I’d also found emergency cake in there, I would have married that damn closet.

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I hope you’re still enjoying the Cancun and the Mayan Riviera journey…please head on over to Cancun and the Mayan Riviera – part three of five!

M.

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Bora Bora – part two of four

How about more crazy wonderful Bora Bora?

If you missed part one, head on over to Bora Bora – part one of four!

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pearl beach 8This is the lagoon that surrounds the resort’s amazing Manea Spa.

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pearl beach 9This is an outdoor dual treatment area for water massages. I’ve never had an interest in being massaged by water until I saw this. Because…awesome.

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The spa also has a Polynesian dude tattoo artist on staff! Hmmm…I might have to do something with this information…

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pearl beach 14Time for dinner in Tevairoa Restaurant and a great Polynesian dance show. I need to have one of these in my living room every night!

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pearl beach 15My delightful dining companion. I call him Gerald. Ooohhh, girl…I think he’s former military!

(Later that night, I told Gerald I didn’t like him like that. He was crushed.)

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dancersThe dancers were excellent!

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pearl beach 16The evening view from my deck did NOT suck.

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pearl beach 17My fruit plate stowaway, Percy. He was charming AND handsome.

A later evening update: Brandon at the front desk was so terribly patient. I begged him to come and get my fruit plate. Mind you, it’s a good 10 minute walk down a couple of long piers to get to my room. It seems that my arrival fruit plate (which I wrapped back up in cellophane, not knowing) contained a surprise. A white lizard…I called him Percy. Poor Brandon appeased me and took the plate to set Percy free on land. Yep. Brandon definitely thought I was kookoo bananas and poor Percy probably got a swift kick into the water as soon as he left my room.

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Morning coffee table fish feeding time starts now!

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On the agenda today: a lagoon tour and snorkeling excursion with Patrick Tairua, the owner of Maohi Nui and a Polynesian luncheon feast on his family motu. I just learned that a motu is a private island and I’m very excited. And, I’m not entirely against a good snorkeling…so, whee!

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patrick's tour 1Heading out on Patrick’s outrigger for adventure time!

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patrick's tour 2This is the hunky Polynesian Patrick. He’s an awesome bad ass. And, a gentleman. He played the ukulele and sang super sweet islandy stuff to us.

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patrick's tour 3Swimming with sharks in ridiculously blue water…

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patrick's tour 5This is me being felt up by a particularly randy sting ray. Don’t worry, I made him buy me dinner first.

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patrick's tour 6This bird was a little on the smug side with his living in paradise and cruising along the ocean on an outrigger without a care in the world attitude.

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Time to stop at Patrick’s family motu for lunch! Our table sat in the crystal clear waters of the lagoon. 🙂

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Oh, don’t mind us…we just get to sit on our asses in the lagoon while we wait for lunch to be served.

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patrick's tour 7Time to unveil the unbelievable lunch feast that Patrick’s nieces and nephews cooked for us!

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patrick's tour 8Oooooohhhhhh!

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Suckling pig, chicken and taro, bread fruit, tapioca root, plantains, pumpkin vanilla poi…it smelled soooo good!

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patrick's tour 12Fresh pineapple (like none you’ve ever had), pumpkin vanilla poi (not like Hawaiian poi at all – I could have eaten the whole tray), poisson cru (a killer raw fish salad with coconut milk that I ate EVERY DAY), chicken & taro and suckling pig. All served on palm frond and taro leaf plates. Holy crap, that food was delicious!

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patrick's tour 13These nifty little buggers swam around our legs while we had lunch. We got to feed them leftovers when we were finished. Fishes love pork fat.

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patrick and m 1This man right here is the fricken’ bomb diggity. You MUST meet him.

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patrick's tour 14He also has cool tattoos and wears a thong sarong. Woot!

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patrick and his niecePatrick and his grandniece. Damn, she was cute!

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patrick's tour 15This little man was sacked OUT! He must have worked hard on our lunch.

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pearl beach 19Back to the resort to hang by the pool. Life is rough.

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pearl beach 20Time for more food. And, more flowers!

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pearl beach 21A night view from the beach to end our day…

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The resort just sent me four neato vials of different Tahitian wines and a vial of Tahitian sand. I shall do my best to not mix them up when throwing back a vial or two.

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I hope you’re still enjoying the Bora Bora journey…please head on over to Bora Bora – part three of four!

M.

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